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The Single Woman

The "Should Be" Syndrome

By Christy Snell-Burcham

I'll never forget driving up to the school to drop off my kids when I first became a single mom. I glanced over at the other mothers who were there doing the same thing, and they looked like they stepped out of a magazine. Their hair was done and their make-up perfect, and I barely had time to jump out of bed, get the kids together, and drop them off at their various destinations. It made me feel like I wasn't measuring up to the standard. I looked at the other moms and thought I should have it all together like they did.

Maybe you can identify with what I was going through. But, recently God has been showing me some things about this "should be" attitude—it's really a form of pride. Pride is not just an overwhelming emotion that says I am better than others, but it is also often based in our own insecurities, guilt, and shame. For example, we can be prideful when we feel inadequate because in our minds, we think we have failed based on an assumption that we should be perfect. In contrast, a humble attitude would admit to being inadequate because none of us are perfect. We need this attitude of humility to be successful, well balanced, and confident single parents.

If you struggle with feelings of not measuring up just as I have, then here are three suggestions for you as a single parent.

First, throw up the white flag and roll out the red carpet. Are you humble enough to ask for help when you need it and gladly receive help when it is offered to you? Or are you full of pride, trying to maintain an appearance of perfection? Many times, single parents have a problem asking for and receiving help from others. You cannot expect to raise a family alone, and no one else should expect you to either.

God has provided people in your life who want to help you. Maybe they just don’t know how, or they aren’t aware of your needs. So, you need to throw up the white flag, send out some flares, and announce, "I am drowning here!"—in a sea of laundry, no less. When the cavalry comes, roll out the red carpet. Pride is like a wall keeping other people at a distance, but humility welcomes and is easily approached. If you have a pride wall up because you want others to believe you have it all together, tear it down. None of us have it all together.

Second, enjoy your kids. Time goes by quickly. My four children are all growing up. In fact, my oldest daughter will graduate high school next year. It's hard to believe. I remember all those older ladies saying to me, "Honey, enjoy 'em while you've got 'em. They'll be gone before you know it." I don't know about you, but I am not going to allow the next 10 years to be as blurred as the last 10.

Enjoy your life with them one day at a time. All of my children are very active in sports and busy with friends, school, church, and other extra curricular activities. If I do not just take one day at a time, nothing is done very well, and I stay continually stressed. Jesus says in Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." I have found there is no other way to make it. It's a balancing act with so much to do each day, but God is with you. We can easily become overwhelmed if we look at our schedule all at once. It is amazing the difference it makes just taking care of each day as it comes.

Third, take time for yourself. Pride can make you believe that if you take time for yourself you are not being a loving parent, but we all need to strive to live balanced lives in an extremist world. To be balanced as a single parent, you must make time for your own interests, hobbies, or pursuits. Don't make the mistake of making your children your world. It is not good for them or for you.

Branch out. Join a Bible study or aerobics class, or learn about scrapbooking. Just do something that interests you. Your children will be glad to see you thriving as a person. Everyone wants parents they can be proud of, just like we want children we can be proud of. I love to see my children excel at what they are gifted to do. I'm sure you feel the same way. In fact, as soon as I finish this article, my son has a baseball game I would not miss for the world. At the same time, I cannot tell you how excited my children become at seeing something mom has published!

Undoubtedly, our emotional and spiritual health will be mirrored in the lives of our children. Yes, it is an awesome responsibility. What a great blessing and trust God has given to us! At the same time, God has tailor-made our children to be used in our lives to grow us up in Him. Having humility means surrendering to the process of growing up. Persevere! The results will be well worth it.

We will all struggle with trying to be perfect, but remember God's grace is sufficient in our weaknesses. On those days when you feel like you've failed because you should have it all together, humble yourself, confess that you are an imperfect person, and thank God for His grace.

Taken from www.familylife.com ©2005 by Christy Snell-Burcham. All rights reserved. Used by permission.