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The Single Woman

A Message of Grace

By Mari Fitz-Winn

I couldn’t stay. The weight, burden and shock of my husband’s death were too heavy. He died at home, and I just couldn’t stay there any longer.

His funeral had been a few short days ago and the one-week anniversary of his death was swiftly approaching. I felt myself reeling from the broad range of emotions I had experienced and simply couldn’t relive that scenario all over again. My emotions were too raw.

So we left. I had my teens pack a few things and we took off for the mountains of Virginia. Long ago we had visited the resort and I knew if I could just get away, change the setting and spend undisturbed time with God I would be okay. It was late when we finally arrived at the lodge, and we immediately went to bed.

I woke up far too early the next morning. I remember thinking, Father, I am many miles from home and it still hurts. Rising from bed as quietly as possible so as not to awaken the kids, I went outside to sit on the deck.

I wondered as I took in my surroundings how it was possible to be in so much pain the midst of such magnificent beauty. Surely the God who paid such close attention to the details of creation was even more interested in creating the same beauty in our hearts.

A week earlier, there were kisses as we listened to music and prayed. Although my husband was unable to respond or communicate, I was still his wife. Even as his last day on earth progressed and the disease began to take more control over his body, I shared my heart with him, reminiscing about our lives together, and I was still his wife.

But as the cool mountain breeze blew over my face, I shivered. The chill was in my heart. I remembered speaking the words: “until death us do part.” I was no longer his wife. I was a widow.

The sun began to peek over the hills as I prayed, “Lord, You promised never to leave or forsake me. Why do I feel so alone and forsaken? How can I serve You through this time of my life? How will my family survive? How can I be a single mom? How do I find a way to give You glory in spite of my anguish? How do I sing ‘It Is Well with My Soul’ when I feel so soul-sick?”

Tears spilled from my eyes. I was hurt and afraid. Then I saw the deer. They were nibbling leaves and grass even as I quietly wept. They noticed me at the same time that I noticed them. As I dabbed my tears, they watched me and moved gently through the trees, foraging for food. The mother deer and her twin fawns moved within 10 feet of me and I watched them until they slipped back into the brush. I finally understood why God had woken me up so early that morning. I heard the sweet voice of the Holy Spirit: “I have cared and provided for this mother and her fawns. How much more will I do for you, My daughter?”

What a powerful lesson for me to learn. The picture of the mother deer and her fawns moving through the woods with the quiet peace that comes from seeking and finding all she needed for her family. I re-learned the lesson that the things I needed would always be provided by the hands of the Father.

I loved being the wife of someone I knew had loved me deeply. Although our time together had ended, I knew the difficult days ahead were in God’s hands.

MARI FITZ-WINN, a native of Denver, CO, was drawn to the creative arts as a child. She has always enjoyed singing.  Her degrees, however, are in Economics and Urban Planning, so little in her education contributed to or nurtured this interest.  After becoming a pastor's wife and homeschooling mother of six, she began to pursue her interests in writing and music. For the past five years, Mari was the loving and primary care giver for her husband of 20 years who became paraplegic and terminally ill. Mari shares her testimony as a speaker at women's retreats and conferences.  Many life experiences have inspired the release of a praise and worship CD, "Praise is Awaiting You."  Visit Mari's Web site: www.psalmist-music.com.  Mari currently resides in Raleigh with her family.  She attends Grace Assembly in Wake Forest, NC and serves as a member of the worship team.

Reprinted by permission.