I Still Do!

The Selfless Line

By Ashley Weis

The Selfless Line I stared blankly at the pregnancy test. Am I really pregnant? I thought. My new husband was pacing around the living room wondering the same thing.

It was true. After only a few weeks of marriage, we had conceived a child. Sitting on the floor, we laughed, cried and wondered how our lives would change. We had no idea things would become drastically different even before the baby was born.

My husband’s fellow band members didn’t like me. I had moved to a different state to marry him. I had no friends or family and was attending a new church. Things weren’t working out as I had hoped and now I was pregnant.

Suddenly I was faced with what I call “the selfless line.” For years, I had struggled with this line. Do I completely give up my hopes and dreams for others, or do I stand up for myself? A close friend of mine referred to me as a doormat. Perhaps it was finally my chance to stand up for myself.

Should I tell my husband to quit his band, start going to a church of my liking and move closer to the state line? It would have been so easy to cave in and insist on all three of those things. But it didn’t feel right.

As I pondered my future with tears pouring down my face, I realized it wasn’t about me. Being so set on my wishes would get in the way of my devotion to Jesus and my new husband.

I’m now four months into my marriage and pregnancy and I’ve spent more time bent over the toilet than I have with my husband. My irritability (thanks to my fluctuating hormones) causes me to notice every little fault in my husband that I overlooked when we were dating. Mornings are generally spent wondering why he chews so loud and clanks the spoon on his teeth when he’s eating his cereal.

On top of all this, my husband was recently laid off, and I’m not working due to the pregnancy. I never expected to be searching for quarters on the ground or standing in line at the welfare office, but here I am in the midst of a life I don’t recognize.

Although our current circumstances are difficult, they have taught me a great deal about myself and God. He teaches us to love others as we learn to love ourselves. I need to take care of myself so I can better care for others, and I have learned to simply express my needs to my husband without insisting on having everything my way.

The most important thing I’ve discovered is that there is a selfless line. I have gone over the line by seeking to always get my way, but I’ve also crossed it by not speaking up and expressing my needs. A healthy communicative marriage involves expressing both sides without the unhealthy drive to win all the time.

Love is a choice to lay one’s life down like Jesus did. It’s not about me. It’s not about my husband. It’s about God. Everything is more beautiful through His eyes. Myself, my husband, my life.