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Family Matters

Guiding Kids through Grief

By Brenda Nixon

Hurricanes, terrorist attacks, accidents, war and terminal illnesses are a part of life. Death is never an if; it’s a when. The loss of family members, pets or the familiar brings a stinging sadness. Educating children about death and guiding them through grief is something we prefer to avoid. But it’s an opportunity to teach important lessons. With our help, children can appreciate the feelings that are unique to this occasion, learn new coping skills and embrace life.

Remember these two basic rules when helping a child grieve: Children grieve differently than adults, and they will struggle with grief now and in the future. Stacy Harp, marriage and family therapist and president of Mind & Media, says, “Children perceive death differently than adults because they are not fully developed intellectually or emotionally. It is very important to be sensitive to when they want to communicate, and also to be comfortable enough with them to discuss the topic yourself.”

Other ways to help a child grieve depend on the child’s age.

Preschoolers (ages 3-5)

Preschoolers will sense a loss even if adults try to hide it. They pick up nonverbal cues from you, family member and friends. They don’t understand death, thinking instead that dead people continue to eat, drink and go to the bathroom in heaven. Harp explains that young children perceive death “as temporary or reversible because they watch cartoon characters that often ‘come back to life.’ What they see is what they understand.” Preschoolers also have magical thoughts like, “If I walk on a grave, the person feels it” or “If I had bad thoughts about the person then I caused the death” or “If I wish it, I can make someone live again.”

Because of their immaturity, they may have:

• Increased clinginess on or dependency toward you
• More tantrums
• Bedwetting or constipation
• Nightmares or sleepwalking

So what can you do to help?

• Use the words death and dead. Never say the person “went to sleep” or “passed away.” Get used to saying the word death so it becomes less shocking.
• Answer questions in short sentences using simple, honest words.
• Give physical and verbal comfort as needed. Holding a child is an effective calming tool.
• Stick to day and night schedules, including the same bed time every night.
• Dolls or pictures can help you answer or explain what happened. Similarly, you can “find a good storybook that deals with the issue of loss or grief and spend some time reading the book to the child and then allow the child to ask questions and make observations,” advises Harp. “Many children also benefit from drawing pictures of their loved ones and expressing things they may not be able to verbalize.”

Elementary-aged Children (ages 6-12)

Elementary-aged children struggle with death as a permanent concept. They may expect the dead person or pet to return. They may show a delayed response (up to a week or month) and will ask questions about “what happened” or show curiosity in causes of death. Often, they confuse words like “soul” and “sole” or retell the death using incorrect words. Children this age also believe death won’t happen to them.

Because of their level of development, they may exhibit:

• Loss of concentration, resulting in daydreaming or poorer school performance.
• Resistance to attending school.
• Real or imagined abdominal pain, nausea or headaches.

So what can you do to help?

• Be prepared for resistance to bed time or going to school.
• Limit TV viewing of world tragedies that can fuel more fears.
• Read books about death or dying.
• Let them have closure. Because children are concrete thinkers, Harp advises giving them “tangible ways to express their grief. So allowing them to go to the memorial service is good, and having a transitional object like a teddy bear of something that will remind the child of what was lost can also be helpful.”
• As much as possible, maintain the same household routines, bed times and meal times. Children feel safer when their lives are comfortably predictable.

Teenagers (ages 13-18)

Teenagers consider death as a natural enemy that will never happen to them. They might also see death as unavoidable, so “What’s the purpose of life?”

Because of their normal teenage development, they may:

• Feel guilty, angry, confused or even responsible for the death.
• Stay up watching TV to avoid going to bed alone.
• Try to relive grief through jokes, laughing or acting silly.
• Struggle with not knowing how to feel, how to show emotions or when to “act” a certain way.
• Withdraw or feel panic about the future.

So what can you do to help?

• Be available when they are ready to talk. Teens are unpredictable and can blurt out thoughts about death when you least expect it. Harp says, “Remember teens are in the process of individuation and when a death occurs, it puts them in a hard place because they want to ‘be an adult’ but they may have to admit they still need their parents.”
• Answer all concerns. If you don’t know the answer, be honest and say so.
• Remind them it’s the person’s life, not death, that’s significant.
• Ask others, such as ministers, youth leaders or friends, to check on your teen if you don’t know how to handle certain situations.
• Enroll your teen in a peer support group. “Peer support groups are the best because they give the teen a sense of control and also connect them with others their age who are grieving,” explains Harp. “Most teens will benefit from a peer support group that deals with grief more than a conversation with their parents.”

Grieving is unique and personal. Reach out for help in guiding your children through it. Your community, church, family and friends can equip you to be the teacher your child needs. When you give love, understanding and support, you may be surprised at how well your children grow through grief.

As a speaker and writer, BRENDA NIXON (www.brendanixon.com) empowers parents and professionals who care for young children. She speaks at family events, parenting and childcare conferences. In addition to authoring Parenting Power in the Early Years, Brenda is a contributing author to 23 other books, and is a recognized expert in early childhood parenting.