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Unqualified Counselor

By Kelly J. Stigliano

I’m sure it’s happened to you. Your friend needs a listening ear and vents to you about her boss or boyfriend or family. Maybe someone you hardly know turns to you because you “just seem like such a good listener.” Before you know it, you’re her daily counselor. She calls you or buttonholes you in the employee lunchroom every day. Either way, you stand there wondering how you got into this position. “Help me, God,” you pray, “I’m not a counselor! Tell me what to say.”

At first it seems simple; you’re flattered she’s chosen you. You may even dish out some pretty sound advice. But before you know it, you’ve gotten in way over your head. What should you do?

Offering advice to someone who genuinely wants to change is easier than trying to help someone who just wants to complain. Breaking your advice down into steps and weekly assignments and working toward a conclusion is probably the easiest, most satisfying counseling we laymen can do.

However, what may seem like logical steps toward solving a problem to you may be an insurmountable mountain to climb for someone in the midst of the predicament. Often people just aren’t ready for change. Sometimes misery is a comfortable place because it’s so familiar. What you may think is a simple answer may not be interpreted as such.

Suggesting your friend talk with a professional is often the only answer. If she talks about feeling suicidal, has uncontrollable fits of rage or an addiction of any kind, you’re probably not qualified to help her. But if your friend is having trouble dealing with her children, communicating with her spouse or relating to difficult people, maybe just having a friend to listen is the only support she needs.

When someone seeks your advice about a problem, pointing to God is always the answer. No one can guide a person to truth like the Great Counselor. But modern-day issues aren’t always black and white in God’s Word. Whatever the issue, be careful to not become judgmental. Remember, it’s the Holy Spirit’s job to chasten and convict.

You can encourage your friend to pray for God’s clear direction (to dissolve confusion), thank God for all He’s done (to put things in proper perspective) and read the Bible (to make decisions about the next step).

Make sure you guard yourself in every way. Stay in the Word and keep your personal relationships healthy. If you find yourself becoming bogged down by the burdens of someone who is regularly using you as a sounding board, it’s time to step back. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t even be able to care for your own family. Know when to say, “Enough is enough. I won’t allow you to drag me down with you.”

This kind of confrontation take courage and strength from God. It hurts to walk away from a friend—especially one in need—but you have to count the cost of being her “counselor.” At this point, all you can do is direct your friend to a Christian counselor.

For Your Information

When should a person seek counseling?

According to the American Counseling Association (ACA), professional counseling should be sought when we need help addressing problems and issues that cause us emotional distress or make us feel overwhelmed.

“Good indicators of when you should seek counseling are when you’re having difficulties at work, your ability to concentrate is diminished or when your level of pain becomes uncomfortable,” says Dr. Gail Robinson, former president of the ACA. “However, you don’t want to wait until the pain becomes unbearable or you’re at the end of your rope.”

Joy Breasure, former president of the ACA and a professional counselor with more than 20 years of experience in private practice, recommends counseling when you:

• Spend 5 out of 7 days feeling unhappy
• Regularly cannot sleep at night
• Are taking care of a parent or child and the idea crosses your mind that you may want to hit that person
• Place an elder in a nursing home or in alternative care
• Have lost someone or something (such as a job)
• Have a chronic or acute mental illness
• Can no longer prioritize what is most important in your life
• Feel you can no longer manage your stress

Robinson points out you don’t have to be “sick” to benefit from counseling. “Counseling is more than a treatment of a mental illness,” she says. “Some difficult issues we face in life are part of normal development. Sometimes it’s helpful to see what you’re going through is quite normal.”

KELLY STIGLIANO has been a speaker for 20 years and a freelance writer for thirteen. She was a Women’s Ministries coordinator for more than four years in Orange Park, Florida, where she lives with her husband, Jerry. A reconstituted family, they have five grown children.