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Listening with the Heart

Tips for authentic communication

By Paul Pettit

Learning to listen with the heart requires ample doses of humility and patience. These are virtues many of us hold in short supply. I want to be an effective parent, and I often know what I should do to pull off the task. But so often I blow it. I fail to engage my children in authentic communication. I don’t listen with my heart, failing to engage my child with my full, undivided attention. I don’t make eye contact and ask clarifying questions. On the ride home from school, I’ll listen to music instead of tuning in to my child’s true heart.

We must develop humility in order to listen well. We often view our children’s problems as less important than our own. I have important bills to pay. I have phone calls to return. I have to worry about the economy and the environment. Compared with this litany, my children’s problems can seem trivial when, in fact, they are not. It takes humility to get on their emotional wavelength and tune in to what they’re experiencing on a moment-by-moment basis. We are so often tuned in to our own emotional wavelength. Do you know who their friends are? Do you know their current struggles?

Learning to listen with my heart also takes patience because it may take time for my kids to really open up and share what they’re feeling. Too often, I want to schedule time with my children in expectation they’ll be ready and willing to engage in heartfelt communication when I am ready for it. It takes practiced patience to listen and observe over a longer period of time in a genuine effort to understand.

Finally, learning to listen with the heart can be painful. Since we try to avoid painful experiences , we sometimes begin to tune out our kids because the secrets they share with us hurt. When I get down on my knees and get honest with one of my children, they sometimes share information I’d rather not hear: “The kids in my class were mean to me today… they were teasing and making fun of me” or “I wanted to talk with you yesterday, but you just kept watching television.” (Ouch… that hurts.)

Listening with the heart takes patience, requires humility and can be painful, but I can’t overemphasize how important the practice is and how well it prepares you and your child for the coming teenage years. If you’re not experiencing authentic communication during the childhood years, don’t think you’ll suddenly start communicating at deep levels when your child is a teen and may be heading for trouble. 

Implementing authentic communication takes practice and discipline. You may need to unplug some electronic devices and tune out much of the busyness that enters into your normal routine. Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. Your child’s heart is like a deep well. He is currently mulling over who he is and what his future plans look like. Communicating authentically with him is like knocking at the door of his heart and being allowed to enter.

Excerpted from Congratulations, You’ve Got Tweens! (Kregel, 2007). Used with permission.

PAUL PETTIT is the founder of Dynamic Dads!, a non-profit organization dedicated to encouraging fathers.