Feature

Help and Healing After Traumatic Disappointment

By Debbie Laaser

Help and Healing After Traumatic Disappointment When I married my high school sweetheart, I knew I would never feel lonely, sad, left out or inadequate again. Disappointment was not part of my vision of married life.

For the first 15 years of marriage, my life was filled with typical experiences—supporting Mark in graduate school, starting a career, having children, developing friendships and finding a church family. Mark and I were blessed with supportive families, opportunities to work, healthy children and a lovely home. Although there was great joy in our marriage, small disappointments were part of our life together. Time for each other was limited by three children and two careers. We experienced stress from moving our family several times for school and work. Money was tight, time was short and fatigue was permeating our lives.

I handled those early disappointments by withdrawing—in other words, I kept my thoughts to myself and did not talk about them, and kept excessively busy with the kids and projects around the house. I didn't have the skills to talk about my feelings, and they seemed trivial. I was blessed in so many ways, I didn't feel justified in my disappointment.

After our 15th anniversary, things escalated. Tragedy rolled into our world. My husband worked as a pastoral counselor at a health clinic. Sexual improprieties were uncovered and his colleagues gathered to dismiss him. They escorted Mark home, where they matter-of-factly announced his indiscretions, and informed me he'd been fired, then asked if I had any questions.

I was totally numb, totally shocked, totally blindsided. This was new information to me. I couldn't comprehend they were talking about my husband of 15 years. How in the world could there have been so many secrets?

That day was more than just a disappointment—it was a devastation. I had no idea what was truth and what was a cover-up. I no longer felt like a chosen and cherished spouse. My trust was gone and the precious vows we had taken appeared forever irreparable. I wondered how God could have allowed such hardship in our lives.

If someone had told me as a young bride that I would face this tragedy, I would not have thought I could handle it. Only God could have orchestrated the help and hope that followed Mark's disclosure.

Handling adversity began with getting help from others. For me, that started at Family Week at the treatment center, where Mark went for 30 days of inpatient care. I was invited to participate in the treatment, attending counseling groups, educational seminars and one-on-one therapy sessions with Mark. A whole new world was opened for me as we began sharing stories and expressing our feelings. We were learning how to be authentic—talking about what we were really feeling, so our words and behaviors were congruent with our emotions.

Following Mark's treatment, we both entered an aftercare program, consisting of therapy at a local counseling center. I didn't understand why I should continue treatment; it was Mark's problem that had created the devastating consequences. I would support him, but I had a lot to manage with kids, a job and a decrease in income! However, I was too scared not to cooperate with the professionals, so I dutifully went to counseling.

Although I did not cause Mark's sexual addiction and could not control it or cure it, I was still in a relationship with him. Since sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, I could help by drawing emotionally and spiritually closer to Mark. I did that by becoming more consistent, participating fully in our relationship and finding the closeness I had so desired. I was becoming more like the woman God wanted me to be. After many months of working on my issues, the fruits of the Spirit were real to me—I was experiencing more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control (Galatians 5:22,23).

My relationships were becoming richer, not only with Mark, but also with my children, friends, work colleagues and, most importantly, with God. Getting help is essential to healing your heart and your relationship. No one heals alone. We heal in community. "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2). We need others to validate feelings, grieve losses, understand past experiences, learn about addiction and change patterns of communication. To think we could get over disappointment or crisis alone is simply prideful. Who are we to think we are powerful or smart enough to figure everything out by ourselves? God wants us to grow together and share each other's burdens. Many of us carry messages from our past that tell us we are weak or disrespectful if we want to talk about any family problems with someone else. Overcoming this barrier is essential to handling disappointment.

Some women choose not to get help because they feel no one would understand, that no one else deals with the same shameful situation. Others think the problem will go away, given enough time. Some women are not in enough pain, or won't allow themselves to feel the pain because they are experts at coping. Unfortunately, it is usually pain that drives us to get the help that could make a difference.

Some women think inappropriate sexual behaviors are not important and all men struggle that way. Others simply don't have the resources to seek help. Some labels associated with these issues (like sex addiction, co-addiction, co-dependency) repulse women. Not wanting to be labeled, women may not seek help and growth. Some women have a desire to do something about the problem, but are paralyzed by fear, sadness and loneliness. Even more disheartening, some women don't know where to find help. Sometimes women receive advice that isn't helpful. Some are even blamed for their husband's unfaithfulness. Those traumatic attempts to get help sometimes stop them from searching further.

If we don't get help, we keep trying to live with the pain of our husband's behaviors. The focus remains on his sinful behaviors, while we stay stuck in our self-righteous, controlling position. Without help, we just block out our negative, hurtful feelings and blame him for our unfulfilled life. God doesn't call us to live that way. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:2).

God will use our disappointments to grow our characters, if we will allow it to happen. There is purpose in our pain. "For I know the plans I have for you … plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). There are life lessons in adversity. When we're faced with disappointment, we must learn from it and trust God to grow our characters and our dependency on Him. It begins by focusing on how we can become more Christlike. It begins by reaching out for help.

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